Bittersweet

You never know when the last time is the last time.

I read this recently and it got me thinking; about a lot of things truthfully. While this is not new information to me, or any of us I’m sure it still hit me very hard. Sometimes I feel like I’m an expert in endings, a person that learned very early in life how to accept what cards are dealt and assimilate to whatever reality exists in the present. I know I am also a person that feels everything in extremes. Endings are also beginnings, we know this, but sometimes the void that the ending leaves is too large. Do you ever really recover from this kind of loss?

I began writing this piece before the passing of my great grandmother. I’m finishing it during the process of grieving the loss of the life that I was always terrified of losing, but preparing for nonetheless. I always knew that there would be a last time I would see her smile or hear that laugh.

Many things have endings; movies, songs, relationships, friendships, books, seasons, lives. It’s hard to comprehend how vital a moment can be in your life, especially when you’re living in the present moment. I think of the butterfly effect often, which follows the concept that every decision leads to another and everyone is constantly affecting the world and those around them, even through what may seem like the smallest decision. Everything you do causes a ripple. Just like all of the water on Earth, we are all connected through moments, hence, the butterfly effect.

If you break it down, life is composed of a series of moments. One after another, building upon decisions made by ourselves and others, we become the people we are in every moment. I’ve heard this sentence finish with an alternate ending alluding to the idea of “the person you’re supposed to be,” as if there is one version of yourself that you are fated to become. As if there is a fate laid out by which we live to follow. I’m not here to discuss my beliefs, nor influence yours, but I will say that I truly do not believe that there is such a thing.

If this was true, I don’t believe this fate, whatever it may be controlled by, would allow people to become harsh and mean. I can’t be convinced that there are those amongst us that are born into a world in which they are fated for misery. However, I understand why someone would want to believe in such a concept. It lightens the responsibility from ourselves. If this is true, then whatever I do would ultimately lead me to becoming the person I’m fated to be. And the same reality would exist for you as well.

Alternately, I see life much simpler; we exist and make decisions, constantly evolving in every moment. The person I was this morning is not the same person I will be tomorrow morning. I will have grown in some capacity, whether it be because I learned a new fact, or maybe I listened to a song that will become the song played at my wedding. Or finished a book that will inspire me to begin writing mine. Maybe I met someone that will change my life. Or maybe nothing this drastic happened, but, like the cells that give us life, we are constantly changing.

Over the past few months, I’ve noticed myself drifting away often. To where? I’m not entirely sure, but I do know that wherever my mind seems to be going, it’s been a catalyst for what you’re reading now.

I’ve been thinking a lot about these moments in our lives. Not the main ones such as your birth, your high school graduation, your wedding, your first child being born, even though those are important in the narratives of our existences, but the small, subtle moments that exist every day.

Have you ever found yourself feeling nostalgic for the present? As if you are watching your life from a third person point-of-view in which you are painfully aware that nothing will ever be the sam after this moment. Most of the time I feel like I’m watching myself through a window, watching this person make decisions and live a life of which I constantly feel a sense of longing for.

I remember when I moved to Pennsylvania in 2019. The months leading up to this life change were filled with moments with friends that I hold very close to my heart. We knew that nothing would ever be the same once we all left for our future destinations. Whether we knew it or not, we were saying our goodbyes through pool parties and sitting in cars in driveways talking for hours. I remember being there for these moments and telling myself, “remember this. Be here and feel everything.” Knowing the feeling wouldn’t last forever. Now, having graduated college, I don’t remember the last time we were all together.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the people I have in my life now and I have nothing but love for those that were in my life previously, but I can’t help but feel bittersweet for all of the lives I have lived before.

You never know when the last time is going to be the last time.

I know I didn’t know the last time I woke up in my mother’s home would be the last time, but I had to do what I felt was best for me. I didn’t know the last time I saw my great-grandmother may have been the last time I ever see her, just like I don’t know when the last time I will see my friend may be.

Moments.

That’s all they are.

Breathe in the present and breathe it out as if it isn’t already the past. The past exists in every moment, just like the present does.

It all happens so fast. I often feel as though I can feel it all changing in front of my eyes. I feel the sadness of the 17 year old girl I used to be and the glistening of the eyes of the 19 year old girl that knew she finally did something right. We live alongside the people we have been throughout our lives.

I sometimes wonder why I feel compelled to grieve my past lives so often.

I had never experienced a life where I felt nostalgic for the present until recently. I find myself experiencing life and missing the moment while I’m still in it. I’m painfully aware of the fact that this moment will never exist again after is passes. It’s bittersweet. All of life is, isn’t it?

Feeling all of these emotions towards your existence, while simultaneously knowing that it will never remain.

This feeling doesn’t exist solely for the good moments. I feel it constantly. Heartache may be painful, that I will never deny, but the ability to feel something so deeply I’ve determined to be a strength.

However, it can be difficult to navigate all of these emotions, especially when those around you are expecting you to feel a specific way. For example, when I graduated college everyone seemed so excited and there was so much joy surrounding me, for a good reason, but I couldn’t help but find myself feeling as though a dark cloud was looming over me. Sure, I was proud and I wanted to celebrate my accomplishments, but I couldn’t help but think of my future self longing for that moment I was living in currently. I found myself quite often feeling as though I was experiencing it all from a third-person point-of-view; trying to capture it all for future me… I hope she uses it.

I’m learning how to live in every moment and actually be present, as opposed to feeling as if I simply exist in the spaces I am in. I need to learn how to live within it. Be there.

I can’t help but wonder if these habits of mine exist due to the environment I was raised in, which was challenging to say the least, but also empowering at the same time. A duality which seems to echo throughout my current life as well.

Maybe I don’t know how to live within these moments because they don’t feel real. As if this is all just a dream and it will be pulled away from me in an instant.

Did I really move 1000 miles away? Did I really lose that person? Did I really graduate college? Is this really who I am?

I’m living in a state that I never expected to travel to, let alone live and love in. It’s been four years and I still like an imposter living there. For a long while, I tried to make myself smaller- to ensure that I found a way to belong in my new home, even if it was in the smallest of places.

Isn’t that all that we all really want; to belong? In every sense, humans have always yearned to belong. I am no exception.

This desire to belong may have stemmed from the feeling of feeling an outcast in my family. While on its face, this may not be true, given that my family is composed of women; women who have had to build their lives from very little. Women who never seem to learn from our mistakes and hold grudges like we coined the term; as if we missed a little piece of evolution through which we would’ve inherited these life skills.

When I say that my family is composed of women, I mean it literally; we did not have a baby boy born in our direct family lineage for nearly 40 years.

Additionally, my genes are composed of two people who were never going to be together and arguably, never should have. As if they were two magnets with the same poles repelling each other constantly… I feel as though this collision sometimes exists within myself as well.

Truthfully, I resented them for a long time. I think parts of me still do. I often found myself angry that I was had no one to bring to Fathers Day events at school growing up. I found myself ashamed when I was asked what my parents do for work; due to the fact that most of the time I had no idea. I barely knew who they were as parents, let alone what they decided to pursue as a job. I found myself embarrassed when I couldn’t bring friends to my apartments growing up because when I did, they would be kind of enough to mention “how small” or “how different” my apartment was from their houses.

I constantly felt resentment when I had to move every few months due to the newest eviction or hob less. I felt a resentment toward my mother for bringing men into our lives when all I ever wanted was her and I to be able to live happily together. This would inevitably cause both of us pain.

I never really knew how to feel or who to be growing up and it wasn’t until I removed myself from all of it that I began to learn how to process these feelings.

I wish I could tell that little girl what I know now:

-Sometimes water is thicker than blood. You will find a family and it will ebb and flow with time. That’s okay.

-You are the little girl that overwatered the flowers because she never knew when to stop giving. Make sure that those that are getting your effort deserve it.

-You can grieve people that aren’t dead; it’s called loss. You will lose people, but you will find love that makes your heart flutter.

-Love and loss are tied together; you need to know loss to know love.

-Nothing is permanent. You won’t feel this way forever, I promise.

Thus, everything I do, I do for her. She deserves all of the love that this world can give her, I just wish she knew the beauty that would find her.

You never know when the last time is the last time.

I mentioned this already, but I recently lost my great grandmother. For a long time I tried to ignore the fact that I no longer had relationships with most of my family. I was in denial of the things that I had left behind for a long time.

I decided to redefine who I was. And I did. I found people that I love and have built a life of love and beauty halfway across the country from the place I was born.

However, recently I have been met with this overwhelming feeling of guilt. Questions of whether or not I have done the right things or made the best decisions have come up. Was I selfish for deciding to leave my family when I knew my great grandmother had such limited time? Should I have been around more? How do you know what to do when you live two very different lives?

I have found myself town between the idea of protecting the life that I have built and keeping it the way it is or trying to merge my two existences; as if I even know how to do that.

How do you make peace with people that you’ve been grieving the loss of for nearly four years? These are all questions that I may never find the answers to and I’m painfully aware of this.

We are all taught growing up that home is where you sleep at night, but I have found that home is wherever I am. My home is with me and all of the ghosts of my past lives that reside within me.

Live and learn baby, that’s all we can do.

Sending you so much love and light.

xoxo Allannah