Congrats, you’re single!

Hi friend. If you’re reading this, it’s probably Valentine’s day. You’re probably feeling very lonely, tired of scrolling through an endless TikTok feed of cute couples and watching Instagram stories of people that seem so happy. You may be asking yourself what you’re doing wrong. Why is everyone able to find someone to love them and you can’t?

If you are then I want to be the first to congratulate you. Being single can seem lonely, but if you think about it… isn’t it better to be single than with someone that doesn’t actually love you the way that you deserve to be loved? Isn’t it exciting to be able to be independent through this chapter in your life?

Don’t take being single for granted, babe. This is a period of growth in your life and it won’t last forever. You’re just creating memories to be able to tell your soulmate. Let it happen when it happens. However, I know that this feeling of loneliness can be overwhelming at times, especially when you see so many people around you surrounded with love.

I have had one real relationship in my life. It ended about two and a half years ago and since then, I have experienced nothing but failed talking stages. I think they fail for many reasons, but the overwhelming factor is that I feel I have to make myself smaller to fit into the expectations of others.

I feel like I am always shrinking myself down into smaller versions of myself because I think that is what they want. I make sure that I don’t laugh too loud or say the wrong thing at the wrong time because I’ve been told before that I’m “too much.” I do this subconsciously even though I know that no one is going to be able to fully love me if I am always hiding who I really am from them.

I think it is so important to be able to show someone who you are from the beginning. If you don’t feel like someone is going to be able to love you for who you are, then is there really a point in continuing the relationship?

The crazy thing is, no matter how many failed talking stages I go through and how many times I can trace it back to the fact that I was trying to upkeep this masquerade that I built for myself, I continue to do it. I do this out of fear that who I am is going to be too much for someone again.

The thought of letting someone in, letting them get to know who I really am and then having them decide that they can’t handle it again? I don’t know if I can do it.

While it is so exhausting having to spend time relearning someone over and over again and having to be vulnerable with people, deciding whether or not I am going to trust them with the deepest parts of myself, I do it anyways. I do it for the hope of it all.

I may not always have the most positive outlook on love, but I really do love the idea of it. I would love to be in love again. It is such a beautiful thing. The feeling of having a person that makes you feel complete is like no other. For the hope that I one day find love again, I continue to go on dates and let people slowly get to know me until they decide to stop talking to me.

It’s a painful cycle, but I constantly remind myself that there is always the chance that this date could be the one.

I remember going on a date recently and having to literally be convinced by my roommates to go. “Why not?” they asked. They’re right. Why not. So I went and I had a great time. I laughed and felt comfortable for the first time in I don’t even remember. But then after the second date, it was obvious that we wanted different things.

And that is okay. Not everyone is going to want the same thing as you. Sure, I could have decided to settle and be okay with being a hookup, but I know deep down inside of me that I am just not that person.

It’s taken me a very long time to come to this realization. I tried so hard to convince myself that I could be the person that is a “friend with benefits” or a hookup that comes over every Saturday night and then leaves in the morning with no trace. However, I am not. And honestly, I am tired of trying to be who I think people want me to be to get them to fall in love with me.

I have given myself the best love that someone can have; myself. Therefore, this Valentine’s day I am my own valentine. I hope you are yours as well, even if you are in a relationship. Put yourself first, always.

There’s a quote from Vincent Van Gogh that I think of often…

“Many people seem to think it foolish, even superstitious, to believe that the world could still change for the better. And it is true that in winter it is sometimes so bitingly cold that one is tempted to say, ‘What do I care if there is a summer; its warmth is no help to me now.’ Yes, evil often seems to surpass good. But then, in spite of us, and without our permission, there comes, at last, an end to the bitter frosts. One morning the wind turns, and there is a thaw. And so I must still have hope.”

Hope. It is such a simple word, yet it encompasses so many feelings. It is what keeps us going as humans, but it is also what constantly breaks our hearts when we are let down. As I briefly mentioned earlier, I have hope that I can find love again. Real love. Not the kind of love that is okay for now, but one that I truly want to never end.

Until I do, though, I will continue to find ways to show myself the love that I know I deserve. I will continue to take myself out to dinner, go to the movie theaters to see that movie that I’ve wanted to see, buy myself flowers so I always have something beautiful to look at in the morning. I will buy myself my favorite coffee from Starbucks and listen to the music that makes me happy. I will do this in spite of the fact of how badly I wish I had someone to share this with.

I hope you do the same. Love is a tricky game, as we all know. People have been writing songs, stories, and movies about love since the beginning of time and it’s because of how badly we want to understand it as a concept.

At the end of the day, love is a chemical imbalance within the human brain. It is a rush of endorphins that makes us feel like we can conquer anything, even if it’s just for a moment in time. “Butterflies?” Most of the time, it’s just anxiety.

But it really is beautiful. If you’ve ever been in love, you know just how amazing it really is. Imagine the kind of love you can have if it comes from within you? Self-love is the most important kind because it allows you to be able to give more to others when it exists. You can’t pour from an empty cup. So my honest advice? Try loving yourself for once, see what happens.

Keep loving for the hope of it all. Don’t let your past heartbreaks ruin the idea of love forever. Love is out there, you just have to be patient while it makes its way to you.

I hope you love you today. I hope you do whatever you need to feel whole. You deserve it. Happy Valentine’s day. I love you!