The Sun Will Come Up

Loss is a universal experience in life. It is something that we all learn to except, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Losing your best friend, the person that you were in love with, a family member, yourself- some losses are more permanent than others and the worst part is, there is no guidebook on how to rebuild yourself afterwards.

I promise this isn’t a piece about the girl losing the boy that she fell in love with at 16; we’ve all heard that one too many times. Being that girl sucks, by the way. This is about learning, time after time, loss after loss, how to be okay without the people that you thought were going to be there. But you’ll figure that out the more that you read this.

Waking up without being able to tell someone about your day is so painful. Feeling like no one cares about how your day went or what you did makes living through the days feel… pointless. The thing is, through these losses you learn that sometimes you have to be that person for yourself. Sometimes you have to be okay being the only person that is interested in what is going on in your life. Sometimes you have to be your person.

I’m going to get really personal with you during this, so bear with me. It’s not easy for me to be vulnerable on the internet, but I trust you… I think.

I was 15 when I first fell in love. Did I know what I was doing? Not one bit. Did it feel like everything made sense for the first time? Not even slightly, even though I thought that’s what it was supposed to feel like. In reality, I was 15- nothing makes sense at 15. What I did feel was new and also… terrifying. But at the same time, it was exciting. I don’t think I was able to catch my breath fully for months. First loves are all about the butterflies and the anticipation for the next moment you have with them. Holding hands in the hallway, meeting their family for the first time, that first kiss, the homecoming dances, the notes in your French class that you send to each other. Another thing first loves are about that no one mentions… loss. Eventually those butterflies fade and you realize that they weren’t butterflies, they were just anxiety.

That’s really straight forward, but let’s be honest… you shouldn’t feel sick to your stomach because of how nervous you are around someone. Love should make the whole world stop spinning- not make it worse.

Reality is, eventually, you move out of your small hometown and fall out of love with that person. That’s if you’re lucky- some of us are still working on that part. You also fall out of the habits that you were in when you were with them. After that first love, you have to figure out how to be content without the person that you thought was your other half.

Falling out of love for the first time is all about crying yourself to sleep, deleting old pictures, looking through those text messages a million times wondering what you did wrong, and ultimately, growth. Losing your first love forces you to grow in ways that you never thought possible. If anything, the growing is a survival tactic. Swim or sink, ya know?

I was 12 when I last saw my father. In fact, the only contact we’ve had since them is from him friending me on FaceBook every time he makes a new account after his gets banned. My father has never been much of a parent, so this loss was something I saw coming. It was inevitable. Our lives are just better without each other. He wasn’t even there when I was born; my father felt it was more important to be drunk at a bar on Christmas morning than to welcome his daughter into this world. I use this story to further prove that not all losses are as painful as others.

I was 16 when I lost my mother. I didn’t lose her in the traditional sense, she was somewhere, but she just wasn’t with me. From that moment on I didn’t have a parental figure in my life. I was solely responsible for myself. Sure, I didn’t do it all alone, but I was held accountable for every aspect of my life from there on out. I had to find a place to live, pay my bills, all that really fun adult stuff that people usually have their parents for.

These really big, life changing losses are more about learning to forgive people for not living up to their roles or the standards that you have set for them in your mind. I think my parents both tried to be the best that they could at the time. It’s not their fault that they didn’t live up to my standards, but it’s also not my fault for leaving when things got to be too hard for me.

Losing your parent, or parents if you’re lucky enough to have both in your life, is a hurt like no other. Having to navigate this crazy, scary life by yourself is a terrifying experience, but it’s one that changed me for the better. This loss is about learning to accept that you will make mistakes and learning to forgive yourself after you do.

I know I felt a lot of resentment for being forced to either stay where I was and be miserable living that life or moving out. Neither option was great, but sometimes you have to what you have to do.

Moving out at such a young age forced me to learn really quickly that no one is going to be there to solve your issues 24/7. Most of the time, you’re on your own- which is terrifying, but also exhilarating at the same time. Having complete freedom to do what you want or go where you want is rare at 16 years old, which isn’t necessarily the best thing either. I ended up losing friendships because of this as well… it’s really hard to be friends with people that make your life feel so different.

In high school, I was working three jobs just to make ends meet at the same time that my friends were out partying every weekend. I remember one time, I was working overnight in my local diner and ended up serving a table of drunk guys that just left a party that I would’ve been to if I was able to lead a normal life. The thing is, I didn’t have a normal life. That wasn’t an option for me and that was something I had to learn to accept- the loss of normalcy.

What is normal anyways? Growing up, I’ve realized that more people live crazy, double lives than I ever would’ve guessed. I felt like Hannah Montana most of the time, living a double life. It’s crazy to me that even in my small high school, there were people I talked to every single day that had no idea that I slept in my car the night before.

Growing up was hard, especially those teenage years, but I don’t think I would’ve done it any other way even if I could. I would’ve chosen to move out and work 50+ hours every week during high school, while still taking 7 classes. I probably would’ve chosen to lose those friends that didn’t understand how hard life was for me at the time.

I know that I don’t need regrets weighing me down in this chapter of my life and neither do you.

I had a job interview over this past summer and the woman asked me, “Who are you really?” She emphasized the last word because she didn’t want to hear me say, “I’m a Politics and Law student at Arcadia University.” She already knew that from looking at my resume. She wanted to know what makes me happiest in this life, she wanted to know what causes me to lie awake at night and what I wanted to do with my career, where I wanted to travel, what breaks my heart more than anything else. She wanted to know me.

The truth is, I don’t think I fully knew how to answer that question. I don’t know if it was because I didn’t expect it or because I just really didn’t have time to formulate an answer that I felt was good enough, but I was unable to answer it. This experience made me realize that I don’t check in with myself nearly enough. I think we should all do everything we can to try not to lose ourselves, every day and if pretending like you’re in an interview on a random Tuesday morning having a woman ask you, “Who are you… really?” is what is going to do that, then do it. Check in with yourself.

Ask yourself what in your life makes you the happiest. Also make sure you know what breaks your heart. What would add 10% more happiness to your life at this moment in time?

I’m serious. Think about it right now. It’s crazy how little we remember to be our own advocates.

This entire piece is a very long way of trying to prove the point that loss is going to happen throughout your life. It’s inevitable. We’ve all lost people, we’ve all lost hopes, and we’ve all lost ourselves at times. Another purpose for this piece is to remind you to not let the losses stop you from getting back up. You CAN rebuild yourself. No loss too big for you to come back from. Just make sure that you’re learning from every single loss. There is a lesson in everything.

Know that mistakes will happen, but not all mistakes are bad. You’re allowed to mess up. Even the people that you think have it all together mess up all the time, I promise. Some of us are just better at hiding it.

The sun will come up, the seasons will change. Let the universe take you where it needs to. It’s pointless to try to control it.