’Tis the Season
The holidays are supposed to be the “happiest time of the year.” The end of the year comes with a lot of celebrations; of life, of love, of accomplishments that happened throughout the year. It is the time of the year when people come together to share their love for each other and show it in every way possible. People gather to decorate, houses and streets are lit up with lights; the air is cold, but people seem warmer during this time.
With that being said, it is not often acknowledged how easy it is to feel lonely during this time. Holiday music tells you how happy you’re supposed to feel… “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year.” Right? While this might be true; for some people, like me, it’s a time that can make you feel the most alone.
As a college student that moved 1,000 miles away from all she ever knew, going home for the holidays isn’t easy and just isn’t possible most of the time. To be completely honest, “home” doesn’t feel much like home anymore. Being back in my hometown feels like looking through a window into a place I once belonged. Split between two worlds; the one that you knew your entire life and the life that you left to build, it can feel like your heart doesn’t belong in one place.
The truth is, it doesn’t. I have two very different lives. I have friends from my hometown and I have made friends in college, both of whose friendships I treasure more than they will ever know. In a way, though, these people know two very different versions of me. In fact, they don’t even refer to me as the same name. My nickname from my childhood will forever be the person that my high school friends know me as and I think that perfectly represents the contrast in the person I was and now am.
There are days when my heart is pulled in two ways. I see my high school friends together back in my hometown and I want nothing more than to spend time with them, but then I am reminded of the amazing people that I have the honor of having in my life here at college. One foot in and one foot out. It’s a weird place to be in mentally.
I’m the kind of person that is so scared of being left behind. I’ve lived in Pennsylvania for two and a half years now and whenever my hometown friends get together for holidays that I can’t get back for, I worry that I’m falling behind, being forgotten. I see pictures and listen to stories and I want nothing more than to be a part of them. They do their best to remind me how much they love me through texts and random FaceTime calls and it subsides the feeling, but there’s nothing like being with them. One day we’ll all be together again. Until then, I will love them from a distance.
As for my college friends, Winter means doing as many holiday traditions with them as possible until the semester ends. Winter with them means gingerbread houses, decorating our apartments for Christmas, baking cookies, and ice skating. Inevitably, everyone goes back to their families after finals to celebrate the rest of the holiday season. In the back of my mind, I am always painfully aware of the fact that I will be left here without the people that get me through the day.
Don’t get me wrong- I love seeing my friends being able to go back to their hometowns and spend time with their families. It makes me so happy to see pictures of them and the memories that they’re making. I always look forward to hearing the stories that they come back with.
While they’re gone though, I constantly remind myself over and over again that this is all temporary and everyone will return back to our small college town soon, but those 3–4 weeks of Winter break seem to last a lifetime.
It’s easy to feel lonely when you’re the friend that doesn’t go back to their family for a holiday, but I’ve learned that it doesn’t always have to.
Over the years, I’ve really worked on being okay with being alone. Even when I know I would rather have people to spend the holidays with, I have made my own traditions. Sometimes you have to be your own best friend. It is so important to do the things that make you happy. FaceTime your friends or family if you can’t physically be with them- remember that real love is not measured by distance. Watch really bad Hallmark movies and bake cookies. Drink peppermint hot chocolate. Whatever you need to do. Make your own magic.
It’s important to remind yourself that while you’re seeing people smiling in pictures, more than often there’s a lot that you don’t see. Social media shows highlights of people’s lives. It’s not often that people are outspoken on the struggles that they are having during these times.
When I spend holidays alone, I begin to think about how good past holidays have been. I think about how loved I felt, how happy I was, how much I took those times for granted when I was living them. Memories have a way of lying to us; piecing together the best times while leaving out the truth.
The truth is…
There is no such thing as a “perfect” holiday season.
Even when I look at the happiest memories I have from this time of the year, I know that I am forgetting to remember the pain I was also feeling.
When I was young, Christmas felt magical to me. My birthday is on Christmas so honestly, it was the one day of the year that I felt undeniably special. Even as a child, though, I was aware of the battles that my family was facing. The more I grew up, the more painfully apparent this became.
The holidays were never easy for us, it meant spending money that could have been used towards rent on presents that would only last a few months. It meant bringing people together that didn’t always get along. It meant listening to my mother explain to me how much of a struggle it was to pay for things during this time. It made me feel guilty more than anything.
Why did I get to feel special when everyone around me was barely making it by? I tried to lower my expectations and make myself smaller over the years. I began to understand more and more that the idea of the perfect holiday is something that only happens in movies. There is always more than meets the eye.
Now that I am an adult living on my own, I’m trying to remind myself that I don’t have to meet any expectations besides my own, even for the holidays. What I’ve learned from these last two and a half years is this:
It doesn’t matter what you have, as long as you have love; for yourself and reciprocated from those that you love. Where you grew up doesn’t have to be where you continue to grow- you’re allowed to plant roots elsewhere. Holidays are lonely for a lot of people, even if they are surrounded by love. Sometimes the loneliest feeling is being surrounded by people and not feeling understood.
If you’re feeling alone during this holiday season, know that this is not forever. There will be more, ones that might not feel as painful. Feelings ebb and flow, just like the seasons do. Take every moment as it comes, do not feel overwhelmed by not feeling the way that the holidays “should” make you feel. Whatever you’re feeling is valid. Remember that you are never as alone as you might feel. Love can be shown even 1,000 miles away. Sometimes, the best company you can have is your own.
The most wonderful time of the year is whatever you want it to be.
I hope you are feeling love and warmth. ’Tis the season, baby.
